Hook and Gracie (OUAT)
by hashtag
Summary: Hook and his pet parrot, Gracie, go through this big adventure including mermaids, puking, pie and more fun stuff. This comedy will make you laugh any day you feel gloom.


CHAPTER ONE, A MERMAID

"Land ho!" Captain Hook yelled as his parrot, Gracie, as she pooped on his shoulder.

"Gracie. I told you, if you poop on daddy's shoulder you don't get the head of the mermaid we catch." Hook said condescendingly to his parrot.

"Swack." Gracie squacked in Hook's ear.

"No. Now again I say it. Land ho!" Hook's ship came to the final destination. Hook threw down the ladder and came to the sand.

"Peter Pan?! Where are you Peter Pan?! I came with a present for you!" Hook waited for a response but there wasn't one.

"Okay. He's dead." Hook said walking down the ladder.

"Swack! Swacky! Swack swack?" Gracie asked.

"O.K. Fine, you still get the ear. But forget about the head, missy."

Hook grabbed his shiny dagger and planted it in the sand. He put his ear up against it and whispered some words into the dagger.

"One may be water,

two may be sand.

If you are here,

come to be land." Hook stood up and closed his eyes.

"Just wait and wait and wait and-" A huge splash of water cut him off.

"Yes! It worked!" Hook jumped up and down but stopped when he felt his belt falling.

The water was crystal clear and so rare that not even the Queen ever came in touch with it. Mermaids lived in the water for centuries and still, no man (or woman) has ever seen a mermaid alive. That is why Captain Benjamin Von Jika Hook will be the first. He has tried for 11 years and still no luck. Until today!

"Look Gracie! We did it! We got the water running! And the mermaids are ours!" Hook said throwing Gracie above his head.

"Oh, Hook." Hook looked around and saw nothing but a small head above the water.

"Hook. Come close. Come here so I can kiss you."

"Don't mind if I do." Hook came into the water and ripped off his shirt. It landed on Gracie, but Hook didn't care. He just wanted some of this cute girl in the water. She had long flowing hair, shells on her- ya, you know. And the best part was that she had a tail. What?! A tail? I've been tricked! Hook thought. He tried to run out of the water but it was too late, she already had his stomach and he was down frozen in the water.

"Gracie! Swack!" Hook told Gracie.

Hook squirmed and squirmed but was already trapped.

He saw Gracie flying away, and fast!

"Hook. I thought you weren't going to be easy to get in here. I was so wrong." The mermaid said trying to lick Hooks neck.

"Stop! I know your spit can- What does it do again? Something bad, so stay away from me!"

"It can do whatever I want it to do, you pretty boy." The mermaid said.

"Stop! I know you are trying to get me like you did to all of those stupid men! You'll never bring me down with you!" Hook ran his fingers along the mermaid's head and then whacked her in the head with his head.

"Ow. I'll never do that again. Oh, come on!" A whole clan of mermaids came charging at him.

"Oh, Hook." One mermaid said at his face.

"I love you, Hook." Another bubbled up from his ankles.

"Come here, you beast!" A third said hugging his waist. Mermaids seemed to be everywhere!

"Okay, girls. There is enough of me to go around to all of you."

_No stop! They are trying to drown me!_ Hook thought.

He got pulled under water but luckily could now move his legs. He kicked at the mermaid at his ankle. She swam away screaming. He punched the one at his face. She floated away bloody. He bit the one at his back. She dissolved in the ocean floor. He slapped the on at his waist. He bit, kicked, punched, slapped, hit, kissed, licked and booted many mermaids before finally swimming to shore.

"I learned my lesson." Hook said pulling his dagger out of the ground.

"I hate mermaids." He ran to his ship looking for his shirt.

"If I was a mad bird, where would I put my master's shirt?" He found it lying next to a dead fish all ripped and torn.

"Gracie, One. Hook, Zero. Nice move Grace." Hook said climbing aboard the ship. He saw Gracie flying towards him with a piece of pie and a napkin.

"After what I did to you, I didn't think I was going to get my message granted. You know, when I yelled for you to get me some food when I was trapped in the water? I was with all the mermaids and I yelled to you?" Gracie looked at him and frowned. Then took the pie and ripped it to shreds with a loud burp to finish.

"Gracie, Two. Hook, Zero."

CHAPTER TWO, MAKING THE BET

Hook and Gracie were on the ship for days now. Gracie once in awhile threw up or popped on Hook's shoulder so he kept a cloth over it and by the end of the week the cloth looked like it was underneath an elephant during the food season.

Hook just tossed the cloth over the side of the ship. When he did this, he saw at least six dead fish float to the surface of the water and he also saw a squid come up, it sprayed him in the face and Gracie laughed at him.

"Now Gracie, daddy told you to laugh at people when they do something dumb or something funny happens to them, but I also told you to not laugh at daddy if something like this happens, right?" Hook said wiping his face off with a hanky.

"Swack!" Gracie said back.

"Gracie! You do not talk to your father that way! Go to timeout!"

Timeout was a corner in the ship that Hook put all of his dead prisoners.

"I really got to start getting you to say squack instead of swack. But, that is just the way you learned and the way I taught you. Whatever." Hook said putting the ship on auto captain and then went to talk to Gracie.

"Gracie, sweatheart? I need to talk to you."

"Swack!" Gracie yelled angrily.

"Come on, just a little thing."

"Swa-"

"OK, thanks. You got to listen to me when I ask you stuff, and when I tell you stuff... Oh! Who cares! I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to participate in a little competition I made up."

"Swack."

"Please. From my best girl. My beautiful princess. My nice parrot." Hook pleaded.

"Swacky, swackety, swack."

"Thank you so much! I love you!" Hook picked up Gracie and gave her a big loving kiss.

"SWAAAAACK!" Gracie said out of breath.

"OK. Let's start it NOW!"

"Swack." Gracie flew on Hook's shoulder and pecked at his ear.

"GRACIE! I told you not to do that at least a million times and didn't we just have a little talk about that?"

"Swack!"

"Don't talk like that, Gracie. It is very rude... But, whatever because I am rude all the time. I taught you so well." Hook wiped a fake tear from his eye.

"Swack."

"Am too."

"Swack."

"Am too."

"Swack."

"I am."

"Swack."

"Yes."

"Swack."

"Yes."

"Swack."

"Yes."

"Swack!" This went on for a long time and by the time they were done Gracie had a soar throat and Hook could only whisper.

"Time for bed, Gracie." Hook choked up.

Gracie walked to the cabin. Hook turned the ship back on auto captain and they both fell asleep in their own little, smelly, beds.

CHAPTER THREE, THE UNKNOWN FLU

Gracie woke up and then puked over the side of the ship, which was very loud so it woke up Hook. Then he started puking over the ship due to the pie he had the day before.

"I knew you-huoaaa!- put something yucky- huoaaa!- in my pie. Huoaaa."

"Swa- huoaaa- ck."

"You didn't- huoaaa- put in anything?"

"Swack."

"Huoaaa! I'm going to-huoaaa- bed." Hook said sadly.

"You should-Huoaa! Too."

Hook wanted the puking to stop but every 4 or 5 seconds Gracie or Hook would start puking. By the end of the 24 hour flu (which happened to be a very, very long day), Hook and Gracie went to the doctor because they had acid coming up their throat the whole time. They stopped in "**Helpp U sberg**" and hobbled to the sign that said "**Dorctor**."

"Well, I guess here is the… Dork- Tor. Right Gracie. Ha ha ha."

Gracie was obviously not amused.

"S-sorry, Gracie. Let's just go in."

Hook and Gracie thumbled into the dorctor and sat in the baby blue waiting chairs.


End file.
